The emotional toll has been hard .. first it was fear .. like a PTSD almost. As I told a friend today .. you know that hormone that gives you temporary amnesia regarding how crazy the birth of your first kid was .. it's TEMPORARY. Everything comes flashing back and it did so for me just a couple weeks ago. I researched .. I processed .. I researched some more .. I played out worst case scenarios .. I reached out to amazing people who have been here before .. I'm better.
Now, it's anxiety .. Not in the way you'd think though .. you see .. part of me doesn't want this ride to end .. but change is inevitable .. as with everything in life ..
It's been a long time since I was in love with my body .. since the critic inside my head was somewhat quiet .. it is now. My stomach is taut .. big and round but healthy and amazing. It feels fantastic .. so much I hate putting clothes over it .. how sucky are pregnancy tents anyway .. but, it's cold and I do ..
Also, in all truth, it took me about 6 weeks to 3 months to move from loving T to falling head over heels in love with T. I love this littlest right at this moment .. like breathtaking love .. who they are right now .. all reactive .. all feet and bottoms .. and stretching limbs. I know who it is and what the personality is like .. it is mellow and quiet, doesn't spook easily and loves family and calm .. what isn't to like?
But, I know my body will change once he/she is born .. I know we will change .. and I don't know what that means .. no one can.
I told myself this with T .. one needs to be ready .. to allow oneself .. to mourn a bit over the loss of the baby you knew .. because it WILL be a different baby .. and the loss of the body you are comfortable with .. even happy with .. because it will get soft again. These hormones will be replaced by different ones .. these feelings will be forgotten.
Currently, we are in a good place ..
happy even .. and in a couple months .. we will be in another happy place .. growing, learning .. but, together .. different but the same .. life will go on and be wonderful.