April 16, 2014

My girl .. My first .. I know there is so much going in inside you right now .. I wish I could help with it. I'm watching you struggle and it's breaking my heart. You're trying so very hard .. But in the end it's me causing you pain. 

We talk about it a lot ..  The fact that I need to give your sister the same start that I gave you .. But it doesn't help that I'm not there. We reached a point in the last week or two .. You don't want me to touch you .. Because my touch won't comfort. You brush me off whenever you get the chance .. And when you do ask to sit on my lap it's so that you can fidget and steal my phone .. I become merely a tool to keep you awake when you get the least bit sleepy .. 

I know .. 

Well, What do I know? .. 

I know that you don't mean the words you say .. Very straightforward "I don't love you mama" .. 

Oh I also know that there has been a sadness and growing in you .. Maybe it's just a seriousness but it feels like a sadness .. It breaks my heart. 


And I, in trying to save myself from the sting of your words and your looks and your sharp hand pushing me away, dive further into caring for your sister. 

And there we go again..

Around in a circle .. 

The carousel of parenting .. And the carousel of loss .. 


I know that this is a phase .. I know that you are tired from dropping your nap 4 months ago and still not sleeping at night .. I know I correct you all day every day because you can't control your overtired limbs or voice .. I also know that I love you .. so very much .. and I can't wait to be back there again with you .. all hugs and laughter .. just like I remember .. 

January 21, 2014

When asked last night what she wanted her job to be when she grew up .. T responded without hesitation .. 

A painter (of cars and airplanes)



January 17, 2014

Welcome

E.T.P


Born: December 1 @ 1:20am

Welcome to the family .. Welcome to the world our sweet mouse .. 

My life .. 


It's pretty awesome. I can honestly say this because the past few days have been crap .. but, it's still awesome. 

Sometimes the secret to life is how you look at it .. perspective. 


You look past the fevers and the tantrums .. past the lack of sleep .. past the diapers and baby vomit .. you'll see the Facebook version .. the silent pictures that tell a deeper story .. 


One of happiness that rooted deeper than daily stresses .. peace, if you will. 



Life is about finding the peaceful among the chaotic .. that's easy with these two .. and for that, I'm ridiculously lucky. 

October 11, 2013

Littlest ..

I'm having so much more difficulty with this, littlest one. Yes, the pregnancy has been filled with more nausea, more aches and pains and more 'pregnancy' feelings all around .. but that could be a number of things .. already not sleeping .. chasing a two year old .. not lounging at a computer all day .. who knows if it's situational or a different baby .. but, I've also had higher highs .. and happier days. 

The emotional toll has been hard .. first it was fear .. like a PTSD almost. As I told a friend today .. you know that hormone that gives you temporary amnesia regarding how crazy the birth of your first kid was .. it's TEMPORARY.  Everything comes flashing back and it did so for me just a couple weeks ago. I researched .. I processed .. I researched some more .. I played out worst case scenarios .. I reached out to amazing people who have been here before .. I'm better. 

Now, it's anxiety .. Not in the way you'd think though .. you see .. part of me doesn't want this ride to end .. but change is inevitable .. as with everything in life .. 

It's been a long time since I was in love with my body .. since the critic inside my head was somewhat quiet .. it is now. My stomach is taut .. big and round but healthy and amazing. It feels fantastic .. so much I hate putting clothes over it .. how sucky are pregnancy tents anyway .. but, it's cold and I do .. 

Also, in all truth, it took me about 6 weeks to 3 months to move from loving T to falling head over heels in love with T.  I love this littlest right at this moment .. like breathtaking love .. who they are right now .. all reactive .. all feet and bottoms .. and stretching limbs. I know who it is and what the personality is like .. it is mellow and quiet, doesn't spook easily and loves family and calm .. what isn't to like?

But, I know my body will change once he/she is born .. I know we will change .. and I don't know what that means .. no one can. 

I told myself this with T .. one needs to be ready .. to allow oneself .. to mourn a bit over the loss of the baby you knew .. because it WILL be a different baby .. and the loss of the body you are comfortable with .. even happy with .. because it will get soft again. These hormones will be replaced by different ones .. these feelings will be forgotten. 

Currently, we are in a good place .. 
happy even .. and in a couple months .. we will be in another happy place .. growing, learning .. but, together .. different but the same .. life will go on and be wonderful. 

September 26, 2013

Notes on pregnancy to my former self ..

I've been sharing things I've learned in birth and pregnancy with family and friends for the last two years .. I edit myself pretty heavily because my expirence was so abnormal .. And so I thought of writing a blog but I was running into the same problems .. until I had an epiphany during one of my recent bouts of insomnia .. that's when notes to my former self was born. You see what I did there?! It can't be preachy or weird if I'm just talking to myself .. Score! 

Let's just jump right in:

No matter how much water you drink .. drink more. I promise it will help later. 

No matter how helpless you feel while you are 'trying' .. There will always be those people who have been trying longer than you .. And those who will get pregnant accidentally without even trying .. it's all about perspective. 

YOU ARE NORMAL .. No matter what it feels like .. Unless you have been told so by a medical professional .. You are normal .. and your body can do what you are asking if it. 

What ever you do DO NOT GOOGLE. if you insist on searching the internet do not take advice from crazy people on forums .. Medical sites only. 

Take the time to freeze some meals before you get pregnant .. Or you'll spend at least the first three months of being pregnant eating out a LOT. It wasn't food that makes you nauseous but preparing that food sure will. 

Take some time to enjoy the process of trying. It's harder than it looks (enjoying yourself through the every two week excitement/dissapointment cycle) .. It's fun to try .. Don't make it a chore .. Ever. 

Enjoy your nights doing things you won't want to do or can't do once you are successful at getting pregnant. Drink, see movies, be social .. skydive .. eat sushi .. spend endless hours in a hot tub ..

Ask for help and support from your partner when you need it .. but be realistic about what you expect to get back. Sometimes they aren't as connected to the expirence as you are ( they don't have the biological clock or feel the baby daily) and they are processing the dissapointment from failing to conceive monthly and fear of what's to come in pregnancy/child birth in their own ways. If they are open to it .. talk about it. You guys are a team .. no matter what.  

Learn to accept what you cannot change .. It sounds cliche but a friend told me that evey baby writes it's own story .. This is truly out of your control .. from the conception to the birth .. things will happen when it's right and how it's going to .. your job is to educate yourself and take care of yourself .. and be ready. 

Take control of the information you take in .. let go of the pregnancy and labor horror stories people will choose to share and read stories that make you feel excited and like a superhero. Those are the ones you'll want in your head when the time comes. 

Give yourself a break .. feel the emotions you are feeling .. they are normal .. know they are just a phase .. and this whole thing is a process. It's ok to be crazy one moment and weepy the next .. just try not to attack anyone who says 'it's just hormones'. 

Ask for what you need .. not the things that don't matter (push presents, shoes, etc) .. but the things that do (support, a hug, maybe a long talk) .. whatever really matters to you .. if it's shoes and a push present .. so it is. 

Scope out a good place to nap at lunch during work .. you may never need it .. but the back seat of your car in a parking garage will never look soooooo good. 

This is a big one .. unless you have physical proof and it has been confirmed by a medical professional .. there is nothing wrong with you or the baby. Just try and keep calm. Refer to this in the first trimester .. Often. 

Take up prenatal yoga .. It will make you feel so much better .. Pregnancy belly dancing is also pretty good for a laugh too .. at the bare minimum do your stretches every day .. 

Take time to take care of yourself (eat well, take your vitamins, drink water) .. You have always been a giver and this is the first time that has required you to take care of yourself .. for someone else .. but also for yourself. 

Listen to your mother .. as weird as it is sometimes for a private person to hear about her own birth .. It's her words you'll hear running in your head in the delivery room ..

Take those weird, hippie, natural birthing classes .. At a minimum, they will help you understand what is going on in labor .. what you do with that information is up to you .. 

Use the ladies around you that have had kids .. stretch yourself and reach out with questions .. poll them if you need to .. you never know who will write back with the exact piece of advice you needed. 

Labor will be more painful and less painful than you expect all at once. It will also be terrifying, amazing and powerful .. women have been doing it for years .. and you can do it too. 

The completion of the baby's room may help prepare you for labor emotionally but it's not a necessity ..  

Worry not, your partner will be there for you when the time comes .. And will love this baby the second he lays eyes on it. 

Put your hands on your belly whenever you feel a kick .. these will be your favorite moments and you will miss them and forget what they felt like. 

Create a momento for the baby .. wether it's a journal or taking pictures every week .. or something else .. It's something for just you two .. and it makes the whole thing real. 

Figure out your communication strategy with your partner. It doesn't have to be formal .. there is a good reason why babies take their toll on marriages .. for us, we text those things we feel like we cannot say .. could be as simple as 'I need a break, you good with the baby?' to things like 'are we ok, I've been worried' .. put them out there .. you'll be surprised at what you get back. 

Never judge another person for the way they decide to birth .. it's hard sometimes .. but you know the mental and emotional struggles you went through to make those decisions .. they did the same and just came out with a different answer. You both will be moms in the end .. ps don't judge yourself for those decisions either. 

In all seriousness .. enjoy .. it's most certain to be a roller coaster ride .. but then, that's what you're signing up for .. and it's pretty damn fun if you ask me .. but that's just me and I'm the one who is sleep deprived but still smiling ..