Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

Harriet Beecher Stowe

One of my best friends once told me that it's hard to be the strong one .. everyone assumes you can handle it all .. but, the point is not can you (that answer is always yes) .. it's that sometimes you just don't want to because it's hard and you're simply tired of being strong. 

I spent the first half of my daughter's nap (usually my nap these days) sobbing. Just downright ugly crying .. why? .. lots of reasons ..

Change is scary 

Being a mother full-time is a hard, grueling job

It hurts when the ones you love hurt

It's hard when the ones you love struggle 

Mother guilt is a very powerful thing 

Task lists and to-dos can bury you

It's not often that I let myself down that path of darkness and self-pity .. and, I rarely go far .. but it can be cathartic .. for every foray into the over dramatic is a kernel of truth that probably should be addressed and/or talked out. 

I feel lonely all the time, even when I'm not .. In truth, things have been hard lately and much of the burden I carry isn't my own. To beat a dead horse, my amazing, wonderful, little person stopped sleeping again .. for whatever reason .. I'm awake every 3 hours to a screaming tantrum and at least 30 minutes of trying to settle her back to sleep .. plus, she has become an early riser .. and a sleepy mama is a short-tempered and impatient mama. I know, in truth, I'm not alone but the hours and days grind together .. and I'm just flat out drained .. nothing that a sweet smile and the joy of a new word can't help in the short term but, it's there .. and I'll be ok because there isn't anything else to be .. and because this will pass. In the end I have one (and soon two) sets of little arms to love me back .. and that, is far from lonely. 

Hurting for other people is harder .. a bruised ego and a job that becomes increasingly hard to care about each day .. that's harder to heal than just a skinned knee or a tantrum. Seeing my rock, my lighthouse, the one person who can make me feel near human again struggle and sacrifice day in and day out for the well-being of our family, that hurts my soul. He'd never say a word .. but, I see it in his eyes .. every time he can't stay awake .. or stays up too late to avoid the morning.  He is letting go of the 'should have been's and accepting what is. For me, he is the sheer epitome of strength .. I still fight for him .. I rage inside for all the wrongs .. for what I believe he deserves.  He carries so much .. he deserves so much .. he asks for so little.  He looks past his own desires and wants .. to allow for ours. I'm not sure how I ever got so lucky. Sometimes, in the moment it's hard to overlook the fact that sometimes he is only half present .. it's hard to curb the jealousy of being outside of the house, taking (work) trips, being social or even in charge of your own schedule .. especially when it comes from an overtired and impatient person .. but, in moments of clarity I see him for who he is .. and it is both flattering and painful. I wish I could give him back the world .. or at least a nice car, for once. 

Change .. that one is a tricky beast .. one that encompasses all parts of life .. the one that accounts for the mother guilt, the task lists, the one that touches on the rest and stands on its own. It's a part of life .. a fantastically exciting and, at the same time, frighteningly paralyzingly element. As I hold my baby (no longer) while she sleeps .. insomnia strikes in the form of lists .. and lists of lists. Things like research that needs to be done .. rooms that need to be sorted .. reminders to pause and enjoy moments, eat right, hydrate for more than just myself .. people to call .. items to check off .. gatherings to plan, vacations to 'get out of the way', items to find homes for .. all based on an imaginary or shifting timelines that feel fixed and final. I know life is more fluid than that .. and, things will just work, they always do. And, when they do, the change will be refreshing .. the family will be closer than ever .. and that is what this is all about. 

I know these things aren't carved in stone .. nor, are they very overwhelming on their own .. but all rolled into one day .. one dark, overwhelming, overtired, hormone filled day .. I just needed a moment. And, with that moment comes an instant of clarity wherein I set down all of the baggage I've put upon my own shoulders .. sort out a few items from the weighty crazies, hoist it up and start again .. leaving me with a nice, crisp view of the ever changing road ahead .. and then, I walk on .. because it's what I do .. it's the only thing to do .. 

I can feel it coming .. so much change in the air for us as a family .. why wouldn't you choose to implement changes if your own? 

You sleep .. soundly now .. longer stretches. You are letting me go just as you now use your words to communicate. "Love" you say .. too busy for hugs and snuggles. 

I watch you sleep though .. those are my moments .. because when you are awake I practice letting you go .. helping you .. because leaving me is growth. It's a movement towards independence .. I watch with pride, awe and tears as you try new words, foods,.. to jump higher, farther,.. to push boundaries .. to express bigger desires .. to build the foundations of who you will be as a teenager,.. as an adult. 

You don't quite know what is coming for us as a family .. neither so we .. but, change is afoot .. lots if change .. good change .. and you, my darling, peaceful, happy Goose, are no exception. 

Some may wonder if it's time (or long past time) to wean you .. to stop letting you sneak in nursing naps .. time that I took back my life .. but, this is my life and I'm choosing to live it like this.

If someone told me that I would still be nursing an almost two year old .. I'd most certainly have called them crazy .. things change. Just like I could only imagine what your face would look like before you were in my arms .. I could only imagine what you'd need or want before we reached this point .. together.

I can honestly say I let you steal a nursing nap today .. we both needed it. You were missing something all morning and it was frustrating you .. you kept trying to replace it with stuff/activities .. to no avail. I, too, needed something .. it's hard when you're upset .. it's hard on both of us. I can't help you .. I start to feel bossed around .. weak .. looking for easy solutions that don't exist.

But your quiet, your slow breaths, the knowledge that you are at peace .. it's the win I need after a morning of feeling like I was losing .. and, it brings you that which you've been searching for today, albeit temporary.

Besides, these moments are fleeting and everyone knows it .. even those people who suggest otherwise .. in the end, two years is a small gift for both of us .. an unexpected win-win .. only a moment in the long run .. but a moment of peace.

The heat penetrates my hands and warms me .. as much as it's not supposed to be there, it is a comfort. Her weight on me is familiar .. heavy and slack. Her eyes are half closed .. she is trying .. all I can do is help her try. Poor girl .. she got her mama's iron stomach but fevers get her. They don't slow her down so it's hard to tell if she is actually sick .. she just snuggles in .. lays her head down and sleeps .. or tries to. I wish I could help more .. but, this isn't my fight to fight .. I just hold her .. provide a safe, comfortable place to nap .. and bask in her warmth .. her glow.

I know a girl
she puts the color inside of my world
she's just like a maze
where all of the walls all continually change

- John Mayer

I love the dark of her room after she falls asleep .. Silent except for soft breaths. In that moment things are entirely as they should be .. Peaceful.

Things here are going well .. Still pretty hands on but we are finding our groove. I'm slowly letting go of the type A, task oriented, consultant mentality .. For a more laid back, roll with the punches sort of outlook.

Is she sleeping better .. Yes .. Then some nights no .. But it's ok. She is happy .. And so am I.

We had a breakthrough over the holidays .. Something the Capt'n has been telling me since I started this whole endeavor .. She truly is my focus .. Dishes can pile up .. The trash can wait .. The floor can get picked up later .. We can order out if we need to .. As long as she is happy. So, somedays we make it out .. Some days we don't. I never put more than 2 things on my to-do list and I go into the day being ok if only one gets done .. Hence blogging falling by the wayside. Today .. We made muffins and went and wandered a store .. Seems boring but I got to spend my day with one of the most amazing people I know .. And that, is what truly matters.

On the blogging front .. I've got a couple things going .. Mostly photos (they take the pressure off writing anything time consuming) .. If you wanna keep up:

HappyDabbler.blogspot.com

ViewsAcrosstheAtlantic.blogspot.com

InTheEarlGreyAfternoon.blogspot.com

Enjoy!!