We talk about it a lot .. The fact that I need to give your sister the same start that I gave you .. But it doesn't help that I'm not there. We reached a point in the last week or two .. You don't want me to touch you .. Because my touch won't comfort. You brush me off whenever you get the chance .. And when you do ask to sit on my lap it's so that you can fidget and steal my phone .. I become merely a tool to keep you awake when you get the least bit sleepy ..
I know ..
Well, What do I know? ..
I know that you don't mean the words you say .. Very straightforward "I don't love you mama" ..
Oh I also know that there has been a sadness and growing in you .. Maybe it's just a seriousness but it feels like a sadness .. It breaks my heart.
And I, in trying to save myself from the sting of your words and your looks and your sharp hand pushing me away, dive further into caring for your sister.
And there we go again..
Around in a circle ..
The carousel of parenting .. And the carousel of loss ..
I know that this is a phase .. I know that you are tired from dropping your nap 4 months ago and still not sleeping at night .. I know I correct you all day every day because you can't control your overtired limbs or voice .. I also know that I love you .. so very much .. and I can't wait to be back there again with you .. all hugs and laughter .. just like I remember ..